View Full Version : OJ Simpson To Describe How Hed Murder People On TV

11-15-2006, 12:00 PM
Imagine for a second that you're a celebrity who'd stood trial for the murder of your ex-wife and her friend. Now, instead of quietly trying to get on with your life, what's the single most guff-headed thing you could possibly do?

Chances are you're currently thinking "Well hecklerspray, I'd imagine the single most guff-headed thing to do in the wake of my murder trial would be to write a book about how the murders would have been different if I'd have carried them out." And you'd be correct, only OJ Simpson has beaten you to it - the massively ill-advised book If I Did It, where OJ Simpson precisely details exactly how he'd have murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman it if was him that got to do it, will be published in a couple of weeks. And, just for the Americans that can't read, OJ Simpson is going to go over the bones of the book in a televised interview with Fox later on this month.

There probably isn't a rulebook for how to act if you're a sports and movie star who's been acquitted of murdering two people, one of whom was your ex-wife, only to be found liable for their deaths in a civil court case - but we'd guess that, if it did exist, OJ Simpson probably hasn't read it. After OJ Simpson's ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman were murdered in 1994 - and OJ Simpson was subsequently found innocent of their murders in a criminal trial and then liable to the tune of $33,500,000 in a civil case - OJ Simpson has done some genuinely cack-brained things.

For instance, in 1998 OJ Simpson tried to stab Ruby Wax in the chest with a banana during an interview as a joke and in 2003 a pay-per-view comedy special OJ Simpson tried to sell the white Ford Bronco that the police chased him in prior to his arrest. But those things only dance around the subject of Nicole and Ronald's murder, so - just to fill in the gaps - OJ Simpson has written probably the least appealing book ever, a hypothetical account of how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman entitled If I Did It. But you didn't just already know that, you've been writing OJ Simpson-themed Haikus (http://www.hecklerspray.com/oj-simpson-to-describe-how-hed-murder-people-on-tv/celebrity-haiku-competition-guilty-oj-simpson/20065434.php/) about it.

But what of the people who can't read? How are they expected to know the way in which OJ Simpson imagines that he would have murdered two people if he'd have done it? Which he didn't, because the book's different to how stuff actually happened, but you know, if he had. Well, OJ Simpson even cares about illiterate fans of opportunistic murder fantasies, and that's why Fox will broadcast a special two-part interview with OJ Simpson entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened on November 27 and 29. Fox describes the interview: OJ Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes. In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade.
Luckily for us Fox already has a video clip of the interview, conducted by book publisher Judith Regan, on its website, containing the soon-to-be legendary snippet where OJ Simpson is told: "You wrote 'I have never seen so much blood in my life."'
Only for OJ Simpson to reply: "I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood."
What are the chances of If I Did It, Here's How it Happened by OJ Simpson kickstarting a frenzy of hypothetical books by celebrities who were found innocent of various criminal charges? Having said that, it'll be a sad day when If I'd Have Kidnapped A Boy, Got Him Drunk On Jesus Juice Then Wanked Him Off A Bunch Of Times, Here's How It Happened by Michael Jackson gets published.



11-15-2006, 11:40 PM
Wonder why he's doing this. For the money? You'd think he'd want to keep a low profile and not fuel the fire.

11-17-2006, 11:36 AM
Wonder why he's doing this. For the money? You'd think he'd want to keep a low profile and not fuel the fire.

$$$ + Fame

seriously at this point this 12 year old crap is just about the only thing OJ has in his life. :loser

11-17-2006, 11:53 AM
I don't know about OJ's book, but I would probably read that Michael Jackson book.

Disco Stu
11-18-2006, 11:09 PM

11-18-2006, 11:43 PM

11-19-2006, 01:00 AM
I honestly think there will be a correlation between the intelligence of the American population and the ratings this show will get. If any more than 5 million people watch... well, I'll die a little inside.

11-19-2006, 10:07 AM
He seemed like such a nice guy on the Naked Gun.

11-19-2006, 02:43 PM
Wonder why he's doing this. For the money? You'd think he'd want to keep a low profile and not fuel the fire.

I think it's pretty obvious. First of all, clearly not a guy with good judgement (ya think???!!!) 2nd, here is a narcissistic asshole who is probably pretty damn proud of himself that he got away with murder & he wants to brag about how clever her was (is) to do what he did. I'm sure he knows that everyone knows he did it, but he can't be tried again, so what does he have to lose in getting it all off of his chest.

11-19-2006, 02:49 PM
This is just...bizarre.